INSIDE OUT
When I was young and free and my imaginations had no limts, I dreamed of changing the world.
As I grew older and wiser I realised the world would not change. And I decided to shorten my sights somewhat and change only my country. But it too seemed immovable.
As I entered my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I sought to change only my famiy, those closest to me, but alas they would have none of it.
And now here I lie on my death bed and realise (perhaps for the first time) that if only I'd changed mysef first, then by example I may have influenced my family and with their encouragement and support I may have bettered my country, and who knows I may have changed the world.
MoKky^ »
Friday, January 04, 2008
The Covenant of Availability.
Everything I have – time, talents and treasures are at your disposal if you have a need. As part of this availability, I pledge to meet with you in this group on a regular basis.
The Covenant of Feedback.
I will attempt to mirror back to you what I am hearing you say and what you are feeling. If this means risking pain for either one of us, I will trust our relationship enough to take the risk, realizing it is in: “speaking the truth in love that we will grow up in every way into Christ who is the head” (Ephesians 4:15). I will try to express this feedback in a sensitive and biblical manner, in keeping with the circumstances.
The Covenant of Sensitivity.
Even as I desire to be known and be understood by you, I pledge to be sensitive to you and yours needs to the best of my ability. I will try to hear you, see your point of view, understand your feelings, and draw you of possible discouragement or withdrawal.
The Covenant of Affirmation & Acceptance.
I pledge to accept you no matter what you have done, are doing or will do. I may not agree with your every action, but I will attempt to love you as a child of God and do all I can to express God’s affirming love.
The Covenant of Honesty.
I want to become a more open and honest person. I want to share my true opinions, feelings, struggles, joys and hurts. I will trust you with my dreams and problems.
The Covenant of Prayer.
I promise to pray for you regularly. I ask the Holy Spirit to guide me to pray effectively and sensitively.
The Covenant of Confidentiality.
I would keep whatever is shared within the confines of this group. However, I acknowledge that our pastor is the shepherd of the flock and we need to be accountable to him. I will do my best to build trust and loyalty in our relationship.
Anyone who can look me in the eye and say they've observed the caregroup covenants, i salute them. The rest, be ashamed and join me, the imperfect creation.
Anyone who can look me in the eye and say they've observed the caregroup covenants, i salute them. The rest, be ashamed and join me, the imperfect creation.
MoKky^ »
Sunday, December 30, 2007
The short-lasted school holiday's coming to an end. Sadly, i haven't touched neither homework nor project! Most undesirable way of spending two weeks, i ought to have worked or went on a holiday, rather than letting it go down the drains.
And i hate the company. I can actually get so angry, pissed off, emotional, whatever you'd like to call it, while playing O2jam for an hour. And i actually performed exceptionally well.
WTF is wrong with you people! I couldn't answer that question, no matter how i put myself in your shoes. What you do defies my logic. I thought i could assume that it's there yet... Time and time again, you've wrenched my heart. Is it that hard to find someone i can trust in the church i can share to without holding back anything, is there no-one i can talk freely without second thoughts? It saddens me each time i strike off somebody's name on my virtual "trust-list".
This is such an insult but pardon me. I find the friends of the world, so much more "brotherly", so much more easier to talk to and trust. Irony. You tell me why.
Is the grapevine such a powerful sin-causing tool of satan that none of you can overcome? Can you not live without gosspping, have you nothing better cause your so freaking free? If your gossipping causes you to sin then stop talking. Have none of you all read the numerous emails myself or others have sent about so-called-friends? Read the world news, flip your bible, enlarge your knowledge. Trust is one of the main reasons why miracles and wonders of all sorts happened. David's mighty men trusted one another. Trustworthy came out numerous times. And all that isn't enough, you left me speechless. Continuing on, betrayal of trust is one of the main reasons why so many wars happened, and it also is the channel Jesus used through Judas that eventually brought death to our Saviour Himself.
Each time you break my trust, my respect i have for you built up over the month's gone. I despise you, i look down on you, but i may not show it. Its like painting a huge magnificant glass painting for hours after hours, before shattering it all within a second with your own bare hands. You don't know how much i want to share. I don't have that much of a social need issue, its more of a want. You don't NEED me as friend, and neither do i NEED you. But i want to have you as a friend?
I don't like to give up. Its simply not me. Yet many a times, i felt so much like a fool when i just reprimanded somebody about committment to a local church, about nothing's perfect, about church hopping, about starting from yourself, and the next moment i harbour thoughts about it. The purpose i see, diminishing... thinning.... Or is it just me, but why is it i can't see a purpose in what we all, or i, do? My last resort, my last resort, is what i always say. But apparently, it somehow seems to draw closer each day. God banish that thought... it just won't stop coming back no matter how i try to shake it off..
Stubborn. Yes that's me your talking about, i won't deny. Certain things, once i've made up my mind, nothing's going to change it. Going up and telling the leadership/authoritative hierachy won't really change things, majority of them, i don't give a damn to. They don't really play much of a part in my lives, these things.... more of a figurehead? Generally speaking that is, there are exceptions.
Many a times, late in the night where most of you all are probably sound asleep, i tear and cry out to God, and ask him to take the wheel, to help me lay down my rights, my freewill, and proclaim out loud, "Let His will be done". The same prayer i've said many times over, pouring out my problems. The feeling of helpnessness, desperateness, loneliness, they always come back pestering me when i recede to my abode. That intense burden and compassion i feel for the lost souls, but yet there is nothing within my means i haven't done. Is there a end? i just need a tangible touch, something real to happen that i know its from Him.
Still, still, still, despite all these, I'm glad im able to raise my hands and give thanks and praise the Lord. It's complicated to explain, but i still see joy. It's hard to understand why, but somehow when i see myself, i get what this song means: "With Christ in the vessel i can smile at the storm, smile at the storm, smile at the storm! :)"
This, is the real me, no doubts. You just don't know me well enough. Or rather. You don't know me.Its called ranting, and boy, it sure helps people feel better. Digest it if you bother, i don't expect anything, anyway.
MoKky^ »
Friday, November 30, 2007
Oh, and so i haven't blogged for ages... haha.... Man, tuesday makan with walz and stephen was great, at kuishinbo... food was fabulous haah, ate like crazy, laughed alot, nearly want to vomit cause was dam full yet i couldn't stop laughing!
And crap, i've school at 8 tmr, not sure whether to sleep or stay wake. Can't afford to pontang anymore IS else i'll be debarred... Already ponned LOADs of lectures/tutorials past month, sucks to the max... have to kick my habit of procrastinating.. it really kills... each time i wake up after my alarm, my mind says "10 more minute", then it becomes an hour, then i pon school cause no point going anymore :(
Projects doing smoothly BY MYSELF. Been doing loads myself, been thrown to a bimbo group. Basically, bimbo actually means pretty yet stupid for those who use bimbo without knowing its meaning. So, presentation went well, wrote a script for all my team members who don't even know what their reading. Somehow it impressed the teacher cause i answered all the on-the-spot question well, and the team members read the script well enough to convince the teacher "they know their stuff". ANd what crap, i hate it when the supposedly group leader acts idiotic and bosses me around(which i didn't and received ablack face). I marked her a freaking F for her peer apprasial. Probably gunna meet the tutor for a explanation soon but heck, im being truthful, she did NOTHING, though i'd say im showing favouritism to the other... good-natured teammates.
Been fairing well in school SO FAR. I predict tedious mugging within the coming week though, im doing VERY badly at the current rate, alot of things to catch up on. All the test i've aced were POA or BCA, my good topics, just happens that the other 3 modules have no minor tests, so i'll get screwed during commontest unless i do something, which i plan to later in the afternoon. Hopefully. that is.
K actually im just sheer bored. Been alone at home for the past, and anticipated coming week... everybody's not at home and it feels weird not seeing real people. Ah, i don't know how to blog, here's a poem i wrote for my IAC class that scored me an A, that got my tutor to submit to the module leader despite some parts with ridiculous sentence structure/meaning. I don't even know whether some of the words existed, i just scribbled on. Afterall, bear in mind its written within 30 minutes, in a noisy class, under the dead-line pressure. Oh, its about social concerns: disadvantaged women, and it sure IS tough writing as though im a woman. Comments pleeeease? my tagboard's dead
Abused Women
A dark and lonely night I lived
Sad love story from my true love’s kiss
Not long ago have I believed
My beloved husband I really missed
With each night of damnation
I cry, I weep, I couldn’t sleep
Your presence is of suffocation
Our future so truly bleak
Vows we said on our wedding day
Each formed our matrimony
We all agreed; come what may
On this day of holy
Back to reality where we all stand
Abuse, dishonesty and lies to end
I hope our lives we‘ll agree to bend
Trust, faith to comprehend
I hope our lives will soon to mend
Standing in the society
Jobs come and go each passing day
Every morning, I try to be gay
Different standings I try to play
I voiced; but can’t come out to say
Standings in the society I can’t relate
Unfair; prejudice I don’t berate
Women in the society will stand and fight
Hear us roar parry our might
Prostitution
Emotional, physical abused I’ve suffered
Many years the thoughts have lingered
My life so peaceful now being shuffled
Beasts come into my life and mingled
The window I looked out in disarray
Hope diminished; future all recede
My lord of master to obey;
Extinguished; my hope to seed
Little money have I received
I was lied to; tricked to believe
My prayer gone to the devil’s wish
All gone to with just a swish
My years of youth all gone to pain
With troubles I’m certain to await
And if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
MoKky^ »
Monday, October 29, 2007
I think this is such an inspiring picture.. in the midst of war, dirty and shagged, carrying their rifles, they gather around in a circle with their bibles to pray.Last year, this very same day, im pretty sure i was studying with my then-caregroup before and after our 'O' level's paper somewhere. Most likely we did it the day before, and the day after, and many 'days after' we were still at it, sharing in the adrenaline rush after each paper passed, life and ministry seemed so much simplier and joyful then. Thinking back, we studied together, lunched together, sat through the same papers, dined together. Perhaps unknowingly, we spent that period, doing life together. Time flies, and im already into my second semester of poly. And one thing im certain, I still miss that seemingly short span of time where we mugged!
MoKky^ »
Sunday, October 14, 2007
I always took you as a man of your word, somebody who does what he says. I believed in you as a person of charactor and trust... The times we went through thick and thin together, i already assumed that we both have the same faith, and we both will reach the end of the race victoriously? Saturday service during free worship, it was literally "all the things she(you) said, all the things she(you) said.. running through my head, running through my head".... Where are you doing right now? Where are you right now? The times, months, we spent together studying, having fun joy laughter, wasn't it just the start of something bigger? The covenants we said together, the words of faith spilling out of your mouth. The uncountable prayers you led, the encouragement you gave. The conviction you held when sharing to a non-believer, the joy you felt when somebody converted? Was it all a facade or were they geniune, i hope its the latter... I hope what im seeing is just a dream. Don't you hear the father's cry? He wants you by his side, close to him, his arms are open wide, don't you know? Take a moment away from your busied lifestyles and pause for a moment to think... How i wish everything im seeing and hearing right now is just a bad dream, and i'll wake up from it and everything's back to normal. Won't you pick yourself up, for your own sake? Wake up, for your own sake?
And goodness sake dont shrug your shoulders after reading this post and tell yourself my intended audience isn't you, and just get back to your routined life. If its you im talking to, YOU. Im sure you know whether its you or not... just dont deny yourself. I say this because i care, simple enough reason as that, i care, i care, i care.
MoKky^ »
Monday, October 08, 2007
Sometimes i wonder... even though i know the answer... why cant people understand the bliss of simplicity? Why do people SEEM to be growing spiritual but not mentally? Is it that hard to expand your mental capacity? Why do 18 year olds act as though their 12.. Why, why, why cant people stop zooming all the way into their petty issues and look at the bigger picture, cant understand that fussy over trival matters get them nowhere? Is growing hard, that hard compared to growing old? Its not like asking you to gain enlightenment overnight, its a process you ought to have started since day one. To me, it has to start with your mind making a decision, and it continues by choice.
MoKky^ »
