Sunday, May 20, 2007
F***!.... thats the only thing i would say now... Freaking deleted one super super long blog post that i typed cause of...censorship? This would be a rephrased version, that only people closer to me, would probably understand what im trying to say... sight beyond sight.
Supposed to go play mahjong at wal's place again but i missed my stop so i decided to go pungol park and i ended up walking one whole round. 1.2 KM.
My thinking seemed to have changed... and its affecting my behaviour/actions i guess..... In the past i had responsiblities, my actions would affect others, people EXPECT to see consistency in me... Now, its my life. I wont exactly say im a hypocrite, what i have said before still remains, my principles are.... principles. BUT.... things are so different, so difficult...
People around me are like, plastic? Plastic, plastic, plastic.
Who sincerely cares when im sick, or quiet, i know, and i appreciate. The rest? "Yeah, im ok" would actually mean "Scram, i dont need hypocrites."
Then theres church systems, groupings etc.... i call them divisions. What can you do when your not entirely... joyful in the company of your group? Thats the way things are, this school, there you go....
I didn't go for cg on wednesday. I was sick, really sick but still it was rather weird that i didn't go cause i was sick.... not like im wheel chair bound, or unconscious... I was never like that. In the past, CG? I can literally say, "no matter how sick", i'll turn up there, late at most. Meetings? How can i help, print teaching notes? Lead a game? Now the sparkle-in-the-eye is missing.
I can get 10 miss calls when i didnt go cg. I can get another 10 miss calls when i didnt go workers meet. Then you ask me, "How come you never turned up?" hmmm....I never said i was going, you simply told me about it.
ESS next week. Another no-visitor week for me? I'll say its rather.... easy for me to bring a non-believer, or at least a no-church believer to service. If i wanted. Offer this chance to make that big decision.... get them settled in..... But....but...but...
If a pool saloon has crooked cuesticks, stained tableclothes, poor service, noisy techno songs and i hate playing pool there, would i invite a good friend of mine, to play pool with me there? And give him a bad pool game experience, and waste his time? No, that'll be unlike me. I only bring people to places where i first enjoy and like the place.
Today after service, till i reach home..... 7:45 to 11:30..... i ate. Thats about all i did, what a waste of time, of life. So much more thoughts, i'll keep to myself. A bus ride home, and a walk in the park. God, its time to start giving me answers, for my, WHYS!
"
I give up" is a easy thing to say..... But because of a few individuals in the group that i treasure, it wont be said, or done. Give them some time, prove me wrong please. I'll continue to believe.... things will get better, dont disappoint me.
MoKky^ »
1:40 AM
