Sunday, December 30, 2007
The short-lasted school holiday's coming to an end. Sadly, i haven't touched neither homework nor project! Most undesirable way of spending two weeks, i ought to have worked or went on a holiday, rather than letting it go down the drains.
And i hate the company. I can actually get so angry, pissed off, emotional, whatever you'd like to call it, while playing O2jam for an hour. And i actually performed exceptionally well.
WTF is wrong with you people! I couldn't answer that question, no matter how i put myself in your shoes. What you do defies my logic. I thought i could assume that it's there yet... Time and time again, you've wrenched my heart. Is it that hard to find someone i can trust in the church i can share to without holding back anything, is there no-one i can talk freely without second thoughts? It saddens me each time i strike off somebody's name on my virtual "trust-list".
This is such an insult but pardon me. I find the friends of the world, so much more "brotherly", so much more easier to talk to and trust. Irony. You tell me why.
Is the grapevine such a powerful sin-causing tool of satan that none of you can overcome? Can you not live without gosspping, have you nothing better cause your so freaking free? If your gossipping causes you to sin then stop talking. Have none of you all read the numerous emails myself or others have sent about so-called-friends? Read the world news, flip your bible, enlarge your knowledge. Trust is one of the main reasons why miracles and wonders of all sorts happened. David's mighty men trusted one another. Trustworthy came out numerous times. And all that isn't enough, you left me speechless. Continuing on, betrayal of trust is one of the main reasons why so many wars happened, and it also is the channel Jesus used through Judas that eventually brought death to our Saviour Himself.
Each time you break my trust, my respect i have for you built up over the month's gone. I despise you, i look down on you, but i may not show it. Its like painting a huge magnificant glass painting for hours after hours, before shattering it all within a second with your own bare hands. You don't know how much i want to share. I don't have that much of a social need issue, its more of a want. You don't NEED me as friend, and neither do i NEED you. But i want to have you as a friend?
I don't like to give up. Its simply not me. Yet many a times, i felt so much like a fool when i just reprimanded somebody about committment to a local church, about nothing's perfect, about church hopping, about starting from yourself, and the next moment i harbour thoughts about it. The purpose i see, diminishing... thinning.... Or is it just me, but why is it i can't see a purpose in what we all, or i, do? My last resort, my last resort, is what i always say. But apparently, it somehow seems to draw closer each day. God banish that thought... it just won't stop coming back no matter how i try to shake it off..
Stubborn. Yes that's me your talking about, i won't deny. Certain things, once i've made up my mind, nothing's going to change it. Going up and telling the leadership/authoritative hierachy won't really change things, majority of them, i don't give a damn to. They don't really play much of a part in my lives, these things.... more of a figurehead? Generally speaking that is, there are exceptions.
Many a times, late in the night where most of you all are probably sound asleep, i tear and cry out to God, and ask him to take the wheel, to help me lay down my rights, my freewill, and proclaim out loud, "Let His will be done". The same prayer i've said many times over, pouring out my problems. The feeling of helpnessness, desperateness, loneliness, they always come back pestering me when i recede to my abode. That intense burden and compassion i feel for the lost souls, but yet there is nothing within my means i haven't done. Is there a end? i just need a tangible touch, something real to happen that i know its from Him.
Still, still, still, despite all these, I'm glad im able to raise my hands and give thanks and praise the Lord. It's complicated to explain, but i still see joy. It's hard to understand why, but somehow when i see myself, i get what this song means: "With Christ in the vessel i can smile at the storm, smile at the storm, smile at the storm! :)"
This, is the real me, no doubts. You just don't know me well enough. Or rather. You don't know me.Its called ranting, and boy, it sure helps people feel better. Digest it if you bother, i don't expect anything, anyway.
MoKky^ »
6:09 AM
